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Lisa Nowak

 Few other Celebrity Cooking possibilities so quickly set us thinking in terms of desserts.
 The name evokes several ingredients and dishes; nut bars, banana splits and Froot Loop   Crispies.
 Culinary terms such as half-baked, fried, toasted, take on a different meaning when applied here.  Could Nowak rehabilitate into a proper ingredient?
 Depends.
 
Rating:  1 Fork –on condition of counseling and meds.
Notes:  Travels well; may have a certain tang.

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Laura Bush

 Here we have a rather pallid, seemingly pre-dried specimen that may not be able to be reconstituted except by a long, well-deserved soaking in wine. While there have been several ‘juicy’ first ladies, Madame Bush does not make that list. Our editors suggest that she might make an acceptable substitute for dried mushrooms, in that her trust in and adoration of her husband hints that she has been kept in the dark and fed manure.
 
Rating: 1 Fork -after enough steeping in wine to get her admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Notes: Perhaps would serve as a white, essentially flavorless substitute for pasta in some dishes for those with wheat allergies.
 

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Rush Limbaugh

  An engraved invitation to explosive reflux if fed to anyone other than the brain dead. Too laced with drugs and vitriol for any cooking method to render safe for consumption, and the portions are certain to be mean and cause numbness and thought disorders. Carcass likely to contain as many dangerous fumes as that other famous Nazi gasbag, the Hindenburg. Should be handled only with gloves, tongs and a ten-foot pole.
 
Rating: 0 Forks -unless it's a pitchfork
Notes: Excess of rancid tripe. Easily confused with Drano. May be a hit at lynchings, goose-stepping parties, and hate crime picnics, but we prefer to think our readers would not be caught dead at such events.
 

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 Stephen Colbert
  
This specimen is in some sense a kosher ham byproduct, and yet Colbert has a flavor and savor all his own.  Despite the whitebread exterior there is a darker interior, which in turn holds yet some other hard to define quality and quantity; perhaps in the manner of a Turducken, only in this case the outer casing is Eagle, and the inner-most layer is Mystery Meat. In cheese terms Colbert is more vivid Limburger than pallid Velveeta, and paradoxically in dessert terms he is more Apple Pie than Pommes Frites.
 
Rating: 4 Forks -4 1/2 if served with Freedom Fries and Ben & Jerry's
Notes: This may be an especially rewarding ingredient to work with in that the dishes will tell you how good they are, even when they didn’t quite hit the mark.

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Anne Coulter

  We have never been tempted to mate with or prepare a meal based on an inflatable woman, especially one constructed of toxic plastic, and so we are afraid that we here at Celebrity Cooking magazine would pass on this specimen--and recommend that you do too. We might even flee from it, holding our noses and in desperate search of barf bags.
Ms. Coulter presents us with something on the order of the opposite of the classic cream-filled chocolate bunny; a frigid, harsh, bitter, tastebud-crippling exterior containing exactly nothing. We do understand that Coulter has some limited appeal to an even more limited audience, rather in the manner of lizard livers and shark tongue packed in rancid bile, but we believe food should be a pleasure, not something that should be swallowed only to see if one can keep from puking.
 
Rating: 0 Forks -intolerable even in rare moments of deflation
Notes: The exterior aspect of this specimen is not without its good points, and could serve as a sort of casing for as more palatable filling, which would be just about anything; willing ingestion of Coulter causes critical faculties to atrophy and the milk of human kindness to curdle.