Problems

Some celebrity categories are fraught with perils both subtle and overt, and even cooks at the very top of their games should reflect long and deep if considering letting certain specimens near their prep tables, to say nothing of letting them reach the dinner table.

Particularly troublesome categories abound: terrorists, telemarketers, televangelists and talk radio hosts are just four from the T's; a more complete alphabetical rundown would make you wonder what this world is coming to.

We offer a representative sampling of high-risk culinary properties taken from the seemingly unending over-supply of society twits, pop divas, professional athletes, and old rock stars.
Why just those four categories?
We didn't want to spoil our dinner.

Roger Clemens -alchemical sports figure wilts under grilling

We here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine are more than a little sports impaired. Hand us a ball-shaped object that is not a fruit or cheese and we as lost as a blind vegan asked to pick out some nice T Bones or flense the silver skin from a tenderloin. And yet meat is meat, and we are able to toss you a wobbly, underhanded review.

In the case of Clemens the carcass is certainly something to behold, but it is the nature of that very carcass that has landed him on the Dangerous Dining list. The concern is, of course, the fear that munching on even a single chop or burger would have the diner ingesting such high amounts of steroids, HGH, and other biohazards that their necks would swell, their testicles shrink (or in the case of female diners, some would suddenly sprout, an event certain to unnerve their spouses), their size to increase in the manner of the Incredible Hulk, and they would attack the cook in blind 'roid rage.

All the controversy surrounding Clemens--and several other noted sports figures--does suggest soup, in that so many are so deep in so much hot water. Resist the temptation to follow through on that thought. Since this malaise has sunk so deeply into the sports world we believe a moratorium on all sports figures should be called, and all television-time-gobbling games be replaced with nice cooking shows.

Rating: 0 Forks; -1 for the parts marked with needle puncture scars
Notes: Our review is not meant to single Clemens out; he is just the most recent to face a hearing and sweat, mumble, dissemble, and prove that multi million dollar contracts don't always go to those deserving of such cash and adulation.

Britney Spears -troubled pop diva with shelf life problems

This young lady is very much in the news of late, and admittedly we know more about her various ups and downs and trials and tribulations than her music. Not that we want to, but her every move is documented in lurid, slavering, excruciating detail. Her entire career seems to have been a peculiar sort of catch and release program, each time what is left over a little more precariously constructed than before. The problem is, we believe, overconsumption.

So our recommendation is to let Ms. Spears spend some time out of the searing spotlight and loosed from inside the media pressure cooker. Think of her as a soufflé that that will fall disastrously if poked, prodded, jiggled too much, or even subjected to overzealous scrutiny. She may develop into something scrumptious if given a chance, but for now she is a pot sure to boil over if watched closely.

Rating: None -we have standards some other media outlets have yet to discover
Notes: Public appetite for such creatures seems insatiable, and few of them prove filling and lasting; bits of fluff that simply cannot be as tough and resilient as good solid taffy. Perhaps public service spots are called for, ones featuring Madonna warning that mini-skirted cupcakes are a terrible thing to waste.

Paris Hilton -overexposed society twit is light snack at best

Certain elements and obsessions of pop culture are as difficult to grasp as a desperately wriggling Crisco-slathered eel in a Teflon-coated vat of buttered banana puree. Finding the importance and allure of tabloid staples such as Ms. Hilton elusive is not a flaw on your part, it may be part of the same survival mechanism that helps us differentiate micro greens from lawn clippings. In her case we are being offered--or sold--the human equivalent of the bagged cheese puff, a long, thin, slightly twisted morsel that is mostly nothing, and lacks the advantage of a radioactively orange coating and nominally cheese-related flavor; a guilty pleasure that dissolves into a tasteless gummy neon sludge when consumed. The label may say Jet Set, but the taste is budget airline food; the name may be Hilton, but the behavior would embarrass trailer trash.

Rating: 1/2 Fork -only with room service.
Notes: A tiny taste of Hilton now and then probably won't cause irreversible harm, but in studying the Paris Hilton phenomenon our editors have come to the conclusion that the more consumed, the more the air in her head ends up in yours.

Keith Richards -old Rock icon gone-over Goat's Head Soup, not Brown Sugar

This marvel of longevity and tolerance of abuse of every substance and stripe has earned our admiration for his amazing musical talents, and uncanny ability to thrive (after a fashion you might find in Zombie GQ) in a life that leave ordinary mortals as, not just looking like, withered roadkill. As a culinary prospect, we fear that Richards has over time become the human equivalent of of fugu, or poisonous puffer fish so prized by Japanese gourmets. While a highly trained and exceptionally skilled chef might be able to separate the lethal toxins from useable fillets, the risk is just too great for anyone other than the most suicidal diners. In other words, better to have Sympathy for the Devil than meet God with Richards on your breath.

Rating: 0 Forks as a foodstuff, 4 for music.
Notes: Wine ages, Richards seems to mutate; we cannot guess what the next ten years will do to him, but we wouldn't be surprised if the results inspire a Stephen King novel or David Cronenberg movie.

Our Rating System

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