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Ever sat down and eaten several whole lobsters, sans side dishes? Or nothing but an enormous helping of Macaroni and Cheese? If so, such indulgence can be forgiven. Some food items tempt us to solitary excess, unctuously wheedling us to gorge on them and them alone. Other foods demand that they be served with--and isn’t this a lovely term?—all the trimmings. Such is the case with the Pope, and not just because the Vatican is certain to have some sort of condemnatory judgment of, and purgatorial penalty for solitary excess.

When you’re having the Pope you are getting a trimmed-up, decked out, multiply side-dished extravaganza of richly robed and high mitred, Nuncio-glazed, acolyte-crusted, fully-genuflected, megatuply-blessed, Swiss Guard-frosted, nun-swooning, Saint-approved, ring-kissing goodness. Fine desserts may get a cart, but Benedict gets his own custom bulletproof Mercedes limo—and woe unto those who stray in front of it by not fully agreeing with the Secret Recipe.

Pope Benedict is not a promising specimen from a culinary standpoint. He is clearly so old and stringy as to border on mortification, with so little give as to make John McCain look like a runny creampuff. His earlier nickname of ‘God’s Rottweiler’ alone is enough reason for second, and third thoughts. ‘God’s Weiner Dog’ would have almost certainly inspired greater relish.

To be sure there are many who will line up for full Pope banquet and sup no other way, fish on Friday and all, and we cannot fault them. Yet our editors are not inclined to obediently kneel with this mass of consumers. Instead we regard Pope Benedict as part of that class of items which are better employed as an occasional spice or flavor agent; something to kick a meal up—or put it on its knees. Some may regard this as heresy, but we believe that doctrinaire dietary decrees are the damnation of fine dining--and the separation of church and steak.

Rating: 1 fork -1 1/2 with really good beer and sausages.

Course Advice: For some Benedict is a heavenly appetizer, for others a palate-numbing inedible; we suspect his snazzy red shoes would make better soup than the man himself; Papal main dishes are not to our taste, but others are welcome to them—as long as we are not subjected to an Inquisition as to why we are passing.

Recipe Suggestions: Eggs Benedict with Sacred Spermacelli; Hitler Youth Bratwurst; Be Fruitful Salad (never served in a rubber container); DaVinci Cold Cuts; Sauerkraut Surprise; Devils Fooled Cake

Substitutions: The Dalai Lama for more tenderness and versatility; though we must note that Pope Benedict is one of the more high end religious viands, and several cuts a above American and Islamic fundamentalist imperators.

Beverage Suggestions: Benedictine; Sacramental Wine; Virgin Marys; Soda Pope

Warnings: Has been known to cause severe indigestion in Muslims, Baptists, Jews, Pagans, Atheists, and a multitude of others; may nullify birth control; may transubstantiate high end mineral waters into cheap Riesling or inferior Chianti.

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