Some celebrity ingredients offer special challenges. Now and then one comes along that sends such mixed messages that we are tempted to use a Magic 8 Ball to get answers. Such is the case with Romney. On one hand we have a cooking possibility that is squeaky clean, eminently presentable, and even bearing a respectable pedigree. On the other hand we have to wonder if Romney might be the equivalent of wax fruit, or the sort of horrible, tasteless, quasi-food meals found in compartmented microwaveable plastic trays.

 Indeed the carcass is a good, healthy specimen, with a reasonable meat/fat balance. There are no blemishes evident on first inspection, but there may well be a USB style data port (or unused serial port) that does not show in photographs. The meat has never been subjected to alcohol, tobacco, or other stimulants, which is a plus for some cooks and diners. He also seems to be as malleable as Textured Vegetable Protein or Marzipan, able to assume almost any shape at will.

 Proceeding with this ingredient calls for caution. First we must ascertain that we are dealing with actual organic product, not some clever synthetic. If it is indeed meat, one should expect a rich taste, and large amounts of silver skin and corporate connective tissue. The usual culinary techniques can probably be applied to the various cuts and parts for staple foods, though there is some concern about taste migration, the process of applied heat causing flavors to change radically. There is also some concern that the stimulant-free diet this specimen has followed may cause the meat to have the same soporific effect as Sominex Farms cloned turkey. Now removed from heat, we are still not sure if Romney is truly done yet.

Because Romney has been reheated as  a McCain side dish, we wonder what new  shape this protean patrician will assume next--and what sort of office he is angling for. Is there a Cabinet post for Magic Underwear and Office Supplies? If so, Romney surely is a shoe-in.

Rating: 1 Fork -subject to a DNA test

Recipe Suggestions: Salt Laked & Crusted;  Roulade Roboto; Apostle Alfredo; Sausage in Magic Underwear; Moroni and Cheese

Course advice: Attractive appetizers of uncertain flavor depth; has historically worked in New England chowders; highly adapted to cooking styles that employ heavy breading.

Substitutions: The Terminator would be tougher; the Six Million Dollar Man for fast food.

Beverage Suggestions: Distilled water--at least six month's worth

Warnings: Largely indigestible to fundamentalists, atheists, Mom & Pop Office Supply Store owners; may contain circuit boards, actuators, and miles of wire.