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This doughty stalwart has gone in and out of favor time and time again, only to resurge—or repeat—once again. The McCain brand promises a plain, meat and potatoes repast with an odd all-or-nothing ‘gunpoint buffet’ element in that every dish and flavor must be ingested whether you like it or not.

The carcass is on the lean side and appears to be as yielding as rhino hide, or perhaps a brick wall. There is fat present, but we fear it may have become inflexible and unmeltable  as his stand on the war. Many have tried to take McCain apart before, only to find that all their work with knives and cleavers has come to naught; the Limbaugh chain saw has proved as effective as a plastic knife on a cinderblock.

 Pondering how to best use McCain our first thought is appetizers, largely because of the portions. The small, thinly-sliced or marinated bits would help offset the innate toughness and tendency toward a tooth-breaking lack of give. Talk of appetizers or canapés may put one in mind of other classic ingredients. We here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine would never dare compare McCain with chicken livers, and yet from a culinary standpoint there are worse examples. Chicken livers are thumpingly good in an appetizer like classic Rumaki, but not as readily suitable for larger scale preparations. In other words, a little of certain McCain cuts can go a long way.

 Considered as an entrée we are back to the toughness issue. Slow cooking, and even repeated reheatings may prove to be the key to eventual success. This hints that the meat would work best in stews and stocks. Or perhaps a preparation such as Swiss or Salisbury Steak; it has been pointed out that McCain has stood up well to repeated conservative pounding. This is not an ingredient that would work well served rare, and is certain to be more palatable to many diners once some of the blood is cooked out of it.
 
Rating:  2 forks –subject to a clean oncology report.

Recipe Suggestions: Wrapped Clams; Hot & Sour Hawk Soup; Iraqi Stew; Sweet & Sour Right Wings; Disappointing Conserve.

Course Advice: Difficult but not impossible to use liberally, but is suitable to certain types of appetizer; corn soups perhaps, stews certainly, especially made from leftovers; tough old bird can be a difficult entrée, but may work under the hands of a skilled cook and be palatable to a wide audience.

Substitutions: Lieberman for kosher dishes; Petreaus for a surge in flavor.

Beverage suggestions: Straight shots; Truth serum; neo-Con Koolaid; Stale Reagan Fizz

Warnings: May cause dyspepsia in the rich, pacifists, ideology over reality Conservatives; skin too marked up for presentation roasts; had been used badly in Southeast Asian dishes.

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