Alberto Gonzales

Although his heritage is Latino, we suspect that, as with Chinese food, you may forget you ate anything soon after dining on anything created with Gonzales as a base. Main dish status seems out of the question, and side dish status shaky at best. We have considered the possibility that he might be useful as a sort of jerky because of the innate jerkiness of his attempts to define torture as no more awful than trying to play Scrabble with President Bush.

Like many a recent Republican crony and functionary he does appear to be well marbled with fat, though it is our experience that Republican fat, especially of the Bush Farms Neo-con variety, tends to go rancid very quickly. Being canned has boosted chances of increased shelf life—with a concomitant decrease in flavor, and possible increase of the chances of the Bill of Rights surviving.

The name suggests the obvious regional cuisine, although we suspect that as a base for filling tacos, burritos and enchiladas, or for con carne he would be a let down for anyone who becomes bilious at the idea of eating at a chain taco Hell; he may sound like masa, but we suspect he would taste like white bread. We have to believe that protracted and brutal tenderization methods would work with Gonzales in that they seemed to work for him; waterboarding in boiling water suggests itself. Grilling certainly brought disappointing results.

There is one further issue to be considered. We here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine have several food safety concerns when it comes to cooking with lawyers. As an ingredient they tend not to be well liked, they can turn bad easily, and generally their costs outweigh any benefits they promise to bring to the table.

Rating: 1/2 Fork -if under oath for impeachment proceedings

Menu Advice: Initial appetizer value long gone; tepid soups with hard-to-pin-down flavor; as a main dish likely to be largely unsatisfying and quickly forgotten.

Recipe suggestions: Jerky Side Dish; Spam Substitute; Ethical Shrimp Cocktail; Two-faced Meat Pies

Substitutions: For lighter fare, Harriet Myers.

Beverage suggestions: Corona light; ersatz Tequila; Gitmo Spritzers

Warnings: Unsafe for political prisoners and human rights activists; wilts when sweated; short shelf life.

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