Ratings explained

Celebrity Cooking Magazine employs the traditional fork system as created by the legendary 1920s food critic Tyne Bentley, with more forks meaning a higher rating. Below is an attempt to explain how we apply that scale. But remember, our (and all) opinions are highly subjective, offered as guidelines rather than the holy word of any incontestable higher power that considers everyone other than male believers little better than animals, or ideologically biased and irreversible Supreme Court rulings that elevate Z Grade Texas turkey above Prime Tennessee Eagle.

0 Forks: Inedible, indigestible, possibly even lethal; items even the best cooks cannot rescue from their innate and inextricable putridity. Examples: Plutonium Pie; Corpse Casserole Exhumata; Sewage Soup with Anthrax-flavored Saltines; Enron Executives; Jerry Falwell.

1 Fork: Marginally useful and tolerable to only a very limited and perhaps to be pitied subculture of cooks and diners; not deadly, but unlikely to be very good, or good for you either. Examples: Roast Skunk au jus; Garden Slug Scampi; most everything from the Fox News Cookbook.

2 Forks: Items with a wider appeal, but still demanding special care and attention to overcome their natural failings and inadequacies; quite often working best when used in small amounts, or after first subjected to some culinary process that lessens their taste and texture deficits. Examples: Rocky Mountain Oysters; Alligator Gumbo; Tofu; Standup Comedians.

3 Forks: This is closer to the core of the normal range of specimens, and the high end for members of Congress. Care must still be exercised in terms of cut, portion, course choice, and the diners you plan to serve. Examples: Veal Scaloppini; Blackened Salmon; Leno Patter Paté; Network News anchors.

4 Forks: Now we’re cooking with a reliable, appetizing ingredient, one that’s time tested, having proved its palatability over and over again. One can still go wrong with a Four Fork specimen, but those skilled in the kitchen can easily overcome any minor deficits or blemishes a particular ingredient might have. Examples: Beef Bourguignon; Coq au Vin; finely aged divas like Joni Mitchell; half the Food Network cooking show hosts.

5 Forks: This is the cream of the crop, the best of the best, the finest flavors and textures, and culinary nirvana to those in the know. Yet even a Five Fork ingredient must be handled with due diligence and vigilance, and not wasted on those whose palates are too crass and crippled to appreciate them in the manner of a drunken Nascar or WWF fan handed a flute of fine champagne. Examples: White Truffles; Bluefin Tuna; lightly seared Kobe beef; the caviar of American and World society whose names you will learn in the very few reviews that award this highest accolade.

Our Rating System

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