Fidel Castro

Longer lasting than irradiated Spam, harder to swallow and more indigestible than a whole coconut, as weirdly consistent as Spaghetti-Ohs, and apparently on his way to changing category to a green—or at least khaki—vegetable, we have Fidel Castro.

The carcass has degraded badly enough to make downer cattle look like a safer bet, and even if it weren’t in such bad shape, the meat is so permeated with cigar smoke and old commie funk that even buzzards would have second thoughts.

And yet Castro has brought a certain unique zest to the world table; perhaps not a flavor most people find palatable—certainly not the numerous American Presidents who have obsessively gnawed on him in sour-mouthed futility—but if you have a taste for dictator, compared to such poisonous classics as Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Slobodan Milošević, and Josef Stalin, Castro is actually rather mild and mellow; aged to a sort of rum-soaked Tyrant Lite.

Certainly Castro is years past the point of any rational culinary use. Yet we find ourselves feeling a certain peculiar nostalgia for old Fidel that makes us want to at least keep a small bit of him on a dusty, largely inaccessible back shelf of the pantry, next to the Bosco and Fallout Shelter Crackers.

Unusable, certainly. Past his sell-by date by decades. His flavor become dull and muddled, texture mealy and repetitive. The like-it-or-not Cuban national dish has become a sort of Mock Fidel Soup that is barely a thin gruel even when larded with infusions of Hugo Chavez. Now the servings will get even smaller and more infrequent; after decades, he has finally gone out of season.

Restaurants lose stars, Chefs grow tired and careless, and history relegates one year’s hot new entrée to something listed on menus only as a means to embarrass indiscriminate diners. Time moves on, and we won’t have Castro to munch on much longer.

Rating: 0 Forks –1/2 if a box of really excellent cigars just happens to appear at our editorial offices

Course advice: Appetizer only for old Reds; soups certain to have beard hair in them; Castro dinners have left a lot of empty bellies.

Recipe Suggestions: Bay of Pigs Roast; Coconut Harangue Pie; Island Nut Bars; Che Tos

Substitutions: His brother, like it or not.

Beverage suggestions: Cuba Libre; Rum Punch; Mariel Harvey Wallbangers; Elian Water

Warnings: May cause rabies-like reactions in some politicians and southern residents; embargoed in US.

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