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Americans eat nearly anything, adopting—and sometimes abusing—world cuisines and ingredients. We always have, and always will occupy foreign culinary territory, sometimes without really being asked, or giving up weapons beforehand. Sometimes all turns out well from foreign adventures, but more often the best, or at least most widely accepted results come from styles and ingredients brought here. After all, what could be more all-American than a spaghetti dinner, a nice plate of nachos, or some slightly questionable supermarket sushi? And pizza? Don't get us started.
 
Exotic foreign ingredients can pose a special challenge for American cooks. They do not always adapt well to our palate and cooking methods, and are given to behaving in uncertain, even unnerving manners. With many of them a majority of us cannot read their listed ingredients, or adequately gauge their use-by date. This latter issue has proved to be a particular problem in the past, the celebrated and arms package-gifted freedom- or commie-fighter having spoiled into a dictator at the back of our fridge without our having noticed until it was far too late.
 
Below is a brief taste of a few selected foreign ingredients, some good, some bad. Some would make tasty additions to the Great American Smorgasbord, some are barely worthy of a Health Department red-flagged greasy spoon in a bad part of town, and some constitute an invitation to experience that incontrovertible sign that the food has gone horribly wrong, the stomach pump.

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 Andrea Merkel

While breast of Merkel did make a certain splash for a while, Merkel is not widely known in this country, and Teutonic ingredients can pose a special challenge for American cooks. They look familiar, their color and outer aspect promising predictable results, and yet they can behave in unexpected ways.
Merkel is a mild enough specimen, unlikely to try to take over the kitchen, dining room, or even the world in the manner of more historic Deutschland exports; her flavor is solid and mostly conventional, and while she can be tough at times, we must accept and work with that, rather than trying to beat it out with a mallet.

Rating: 3 Forks -4 after several steins of beer, 4 1/2 just before we pass out

Notes: There are some who think Merkel should just be ground into sausage, but these are the people who would not know a good sauerbraten from a bad Texas turnip.

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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The Middle East, and the area formerly known as Persia, has contributed many wonderful things to the world table; spices like advieh, dishes like kuku and chelo.
Ahmadinejad is not ready for export, and we here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine are perplexed that he is considered in any way palatable in his country of origin. The flavor is sharp and harsh, with notes of Hitler, Amin, and Pot. The aroma is extreme, and the aftertaste will have most reaching for the Listerine. There are many far worse specimens from this region, but less rancid does not mean more digestible. Also extremely difficult to list on the menu without misspelling.

Rating: 1/78 Fork in the afterlife.

Notes: There is, it has been remarked many times, no accounting for tastes. We must remember that every region at some time or other elevates a loud smirking know-nothing to main dish status. In our case Bush dyspepsia has not been banished by cases full of Maalox, and we can only guess how mind-damagingly awful their version of Cheney must be if they keep Mahmoud.

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Hugo Chavez

Considering this specimen we find ourselves thinking about the sardine: an inconsequential, borderline edible small fish whose biggest claim to fame is that it's packed in oil.  And yet we are of the opinion that the sardine does have its place in the larder, and can make an intriguing small food paired with other ingredients; think of Chavez and Bush as a sardine on a cracker.

To be sure we have something resembling an over oily puff pastry, a vaguely greasy overblown crust filled with hot air. And yet we find Chavez strangely compelling; small amounts add a spice, an odd savoir faire not available from any other ingredient. If using Chavez take care that it does not take over the dish for life.

Rating: 1 fork if used by the pinch, 1 1/2 Forks by the barrel

Notes: Expression of a Retromarxist regional cuisine that is subject to cycles of popularity; more popular with those who cannot read recipes.

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Hamid Kharzi 

When shopping it is easy to unthinkingly pick something based on clever and attractive packaging. Such may be the case here. That is not to say that the contents of the package are as unpalatable as one that trumpets thirty second microwaveability, and has an ingredient list that is more chemicals than actual foodlike substances, but quite often the scintillating promise of the package is not fulfilled by what we find inside.

Kharzai is a triumph of appealing wrapping, due largely to his passing resemblance to actor Ben Kingsley. Unfortunately the contents are more Ken Lay than Ghandi; an oil industry approved technocrat who looks kindly and intelligent, but that has been largely as ineffectual as a Bush appointee or Democratic Congress.

Still, this is not a bad ingredient, rating far above many of the others coming from that area, and as long as one keeps their expectations modest it can continue to be used with care.

Rating: 2 Forks –3 if they ever make Ghandi Returns

Notes: May be on endangered list

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Osama bin Laden

After a protracted search that even entailed turning over several very slimy rocks, the editors have not been able to come up with one recipe that could in any way benefit from this ingredient, one which in our opinion would not even make an marginally acceptable substitute for camel anus.
Cancerous camel anus, rotten and fly-blown.

We are aware that there are some who proclaim bin Laden tasty, and we feel sorry for them; one must be truly starving to not spit this stuff out in disgust. Worst of all, this is yet another toxic substance that America helped create in a distant Cold War feedlot.
 
Rating: Minus 1 Fork; grease trap cleanings would be more palatable.

Notes: May be sugar-free.