Eliot Spitzer

We master culinary technique and strive to learn as much as possible about ingredients so as to be better able to cook for friends and family. Some may argue that a home-cooked meal can never be as exciting as one prepared by a seasoned professional, and that may even be to some degree true, but when the professional in question is something other than a chef, dining out can become a risky venture. This has been the case with Governor Eliot Spitzer, whose shelf cachet has been negatively affected by intemperate, incautious, high-priced take-out and led to a voluntary recall.

     The carcass is large and in reportedly good shape, surprisingly muscular for a politician. Some consumers, largely moneyed, well-connected Wall Street types, have long railed against an overabundance of toughness; we have long dismissed this as the nabobly natterings of the partially indicted class. Some meat should be tough, not as yielding and mushy as an inside trader’s ethics.
     The suitability of Spitzer for family dining is now called into question. Once considered as wholesome as Wonder Bread, recent events suggest that many cuts, especially the loins, are not as certifiably pure as once thought. Our editors are split as to whether this is really such a deep taint that Spitzer has been rendered unusable. Some argue that any foreign substances are long washed away, while others find the mouth feel of such a slippery concept of monogamy as abhorrent and inedible as genetically engineered goat gonads laced with preservatives.

     In the end it comes down to a question of packaging. When the label says 100% Pure Home Baked Mom’s Apple Pie and the contents prove to be an expensive Hotel Snack slathered with Kentucky Jelly the consumer has a right to feel misled and misused, and inclined to tip the whole mess into the trash in disgust.

Rating: 1 Fork –one bad bite isn’t enough to get consigned to zero.

Course advice: Such a peccadillo would increase the appetizer value of many celebrities, but not a straight-arrow prosecutor and Governor; his immersion in this much hot water will provide broth and stew for the media for some time; use as a main dish much diminished, and we now know how much he leans toward side dishes.

Recipe Suggestions: Waldorf Salad; New York Strip; Hot Roasted Nuts; Spotted Dick; Chippie Beef; Ho-Hos

Substitutions: New York will get Patterson, a very nice sight-impaired Black man most residents know less about than methods for preparing zythum, the ancient Egyptian beer. For some reason Prosecutors and Attorneys General have a tendency to go over unexpectedly; we are considering swearing off them permanently.

Beverage Suggestions: Manhattans; slightly turned New York wines; Four Grand A Shot Spitzer Spritzers

Warnings: May cause corporate greedheads to drool and celebrate, and many New York Republicans to experience the same groin area sensations that got Spitzer into this trouble. Avoid their gated communities until this all blows over.

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