Dick Cheney

This is a particularly indigestible specimen, full of inorganic parts, and without even the advantage of useable organ meats. We at Celebrity Cooking Magazine are of the unanimous opinion that even protracted boiling would not render off the innate rancidity, lessen the bitter undertaste, or impart even the most elusive hint of tenderness.

The carcass is not lean, but we fear that the fat is of the bloated Halliburton Pentagon contract sort, and would prove to have gone over if given even a cursory examination. Indeed the entirety of Cheney is such a corporate/industrial product that there may be no natural parts left, any remaining tissues a hellbroth of various petrochemical products and preservatives. Frequent ingestion of nitroglycerine heart medicines may have made the meat explosive, and likely to detonate under the fork—or teeth.

A determined cook might be able to do something with this specimen, but we doubt that most would be able to produce something that should meet any other fate than being safely locked away in a man-sized safe. While many would love to see Cheney boiled in oil, Deep Fried Dick is not a dish most cooks would care to essay, list on their menus, or serve family and friends. Dick on a Stick suggests a variation of kebabs where the skewer would be more edible than what is on it, and Blackened Dick evokes a medical condition demanding immediate attention more than a reason to reach for the Béarnaise.

Rating: 0 Forks -even if handled by a bomb squad and Superfund cleanup team

Course Advice: Giving the Finger foods set the wrong mood; any soup would be cold, sour and curdled; as a entrée associated side dishes may end up fed to the wolves and in need of pardon.

Recipe suggestions: Chow Mean; Fox Newsburg; Seabird Exxon; Hunter’s Surprise; Standing Iraq Roast; Burnt Plame Pudding

Bonus decorating suggestion: If Cheney’s head was cleared of the nasty stuff in the manner of a pumpkin and a candle put inside you would have a Halloween ornament guaranteed to scare the bejesus out of the most horror movie-hardened trick or treater.

Substitutions: Darth Vader—though the same inorganic component and toxics warnings obtain; Freddy Kruger; Viktor Von Doom

Beverage Suggestions: Bloody Dickeys; Blackwater; Domestic Spy Applejuice (pesticide and herbicide enriched); Mock El Presidente

Warnings: Preparations of cuts may need to be done by a bomb squad; just like burning plastic, application of heat may cause fumes that are harmful to the environment.

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