Dennis Kucinich

This dedicated political oddity is reportedly such a strict vegetarian that some have argued that he might even qualify as a human salad, or at the very least, bleed V8. The most sneeringly dismissive make snarky comments about him being little better than a human vegetable; a scraggly bean sprout with now-wilted dreams of presidential grandeur, perhaps. We here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine don’t believe this to be the case, not only because of too little ground level support, but his obvious lack of chlorophyll.

As a specimen Kucinich seems to have an acceptable meat to fat ratio, better marbled and less indigestible than Giuliani, less corn-fed than Richardson, saner than Ron Paul. All in all quite presentable, and promising an interesting dining experience now relegated to more regional availability.

Our editors are split on culinary uses of Kucinich. Some believe that any chops, steaks, or roasts secured from Kucinich would surely resemble Tofu in taste and consistency. While some fringe foodies consider tofu an acceptable substitute for meat, we here at Celebrity Cooking are unanimous that it is not. Rare tofu is not fleshily firm, juicy, and satisfyingly bloody; it is at best bland and rubbery as the eraser on a pencil. On the other hand, some editors point to Kucinich’s rather fetching young wife and argue convincingly that there has to be some hot red blood and real beef there--or at least serious sausage potential.

One advantage this ingredient offers is food safety; for those cooks worried about food additives and the organic status of their comestibles, Kucinich could almost certainly be certified organic, and since moving to the national stage, free range.

Rating: 2 forks—3 if he could be force-fed bacon for a month.

Course advice: A good appetizer for easily-tricked vegans; soups may seem to have been made with vegetable stock; a good entree for people with serious food issues.

Recipe suggestions: All those sad, unpalatable dishes one makes with tofu when that Food Nazi relative comes to visit; Dove Caesar Salad; Dennis la Menagere

Substitutions: Sean Penn for heartier fare; his wife could fill in for him any time.

Beverage suggestions: V8 juice; Fruit smoothies; Soy milk

Warnings: Not really suited for the mainstream palate, especially in larger portions; mild exterior can contain extreme flavors; prone to be passed over amidst wide slate of dishes.

Our Rating System

Contents Copyright © 2008, all rights reserved, even those stolen by the Patriot Act Celebrity Cooking Magazine and eatthefamous.org are a plausibly deniable division of Trollworks Global Media Conglomerated Syndicate and Interior Debating Society, a largely untraceable subsidiary of No Loaf Ink. Opinions expressed on this site are at least as valuable as those heard on Fox News, and should be taken seriously only by those with a sense of humor. Always exercise caution when dealing with cutting implements, kitchen appliances, and open flame.