Appetizers

These are a little something that can whet—or spoil one’s appetite.

Since appetizers are most often served to guests, care must be taken that the  ingredients employed do not cause dyspepsia, or in extreme cases, urgent flight to the bathroom. Just as one would not serve a bacon-wrapped cocktail weenie bedded on a crisp pork rind for a cracker to a Jewish or Muslim guest, Kerry Tartare with Caviar and Barney Franks would not be a hit at a Donald Rumsfeld Fan Club meeting (if anyone came), nor Uzi-bake LaPierre Gun-Nut Puffs likely to inspire anything other than disgust in other than a select, heavily-armed few.

 Appetizers are by definition small portions, so in cases where a very large carcass has been acquired, proper storage of the unused portion is of cardinal importance. Use of leftover celebrity meat should follow the same time-honored rule as in an election: If in doubt, throw it out!

 
Soups

This sturdy standby offers a way to deal with those ‘problem’ meats. Extreme toughness can be moderated by long slow cooking in a soup. In extreme cases first preparing a stock from the meat provides a possible method for dealing with such issues as excess fat, grease, or saltiness. It can also provide a way to use up B List celebrities whose appeal has slipped to the point that a cook who cares can no longer in good conscience offer them as an entrée.

Good soup is a rousing symphony of flavors. For success, care must be taken that the meat of choice neither overwhelms the other ingredients, or gets lost in them, and matches the ingredient to cuisine or regional style. Bloomberg Gumbo is a bowl hardly likely to be slurped clean, especially down South, and the spoons are almost certain to go unused if you prepare Cream of Shoebomber.

 As in all aspects of cooking, know your ingredients! A bit of thinking ahead may spare you disastrous dishes that could have been avoided.  If one stops to think one would realize that Matzo Ball Soup Goldberg is going to taste funny, and Reverend Haggard Noodle Soup is going to have a queer undertaste.

Entrées

 While the main dish can be considered the main event of the meal, we here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine do not believe that boxers would be a good choice for any but the most experienced cooks, although Barbara Boxer would work well for certain regional specialties. For sake of simplicity we pigeonhole meat side-dishes under the category of entree as well.

At the risk of sounding redundant, we will say it again: Know your ingredients! And we will again add the admonishment: Tailor your dishes to the sensibilities of the diners you will be serving! If these warnings are not heeded your dinner may be an Iraq War grade fiasco, leaving your larder bare, your kitchen a disaster, your guests forming a Coalition of the Disgruntled, and your reputation in ruins. Do not invade new culinary territory without proper prior preparation, the right equipment, and a well-defined exit strategy.

And yet celebrity cooking is in itself an adventure, and marvelous new tastes are never discovered by the timid. Don't be afraid to experiment. Take chances. Embrace serendipity. Much regional cuisine is based on transforming the meanest, most ubiquitous ingredients into mouth watering goodness. So it is with celebrities, and we here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine are dedicated to helping you turn that tabloid snail into delectable faux escargot.

Dessert

These are admittedly not a mainstay here at Celebrity Cooking Magazine, and they are not our métier.

Still, every so often we consider a potential ingredient that just screams dessert.
When we hear that screaming, so will you.