Our Featured Celebrity Cooking Review

 The Microwave 
Fast reviews in 15 words or less.

Tim Geithner
Attempts to reheat economy bring mixed reviews; no way to make toxic assets tasty.

Glen Beck
Human form of ergot;
consumption brings
madness. Better dead
than with belly full.

Judd Gregg

Unreliable ingredient for anything other than flat cake and dead economy.

Vladimir Putin

Bad borscht brewed from bootheel-hard beets seasoned with Stalinism and peppered with polonium. Indigestible.

Robert Mugabe

Rabid bull elephant with Ebola gravy stain on the frayed fabric of Zimbabwe. Seemingly indelible.

 

    Michael Steele 
 -Republican Soul Food Outlet Bombs

 Remember beefalo? We do. This one-year wonder-meat, a cross between beef and buffalo, had a brief moment in the culinary limelight before receding into gristled obscurity.

Beefalo can still be found on some menus, but only off the beaten track eateries where people open their soda or beer bottles with their teeth. Billy-Bob’s Beefalo Burger Belly-buster never came remotely close to being as popular as the Big Mac or Whopper.

We expect this plunge to be the fate awaiting RNC Chairman Michael Steele; unable to compete with the Big Barack, he will soon be off the national menu, the diners he is trying to attract rejecting him in favor of something more porcine and lard enhanced. Like Rush Limbaugh, or Newt Gingrich.

The carcass is presentable enough, considering the tendency of most inner feed lot Republicans toward being either doughy, withered, or having an extreme flavor like Boehner’s hint of rabid iguana, or Cantor’s whiff of brain damaged squirrel. Presented as a viable Obama alternative, he is neither viable, alterative, or any sort of substitute.

Some ingredients are notable and prized for their versatility, but there is a considerable gulf between adaptability and inconsistency, and this is where Mr. Steele becomes the man of overcooked linguini. Beefy assertions that Limbaugh is just an offensive entertainer (of sorts) collapse into squashed cream puff apologies. Stands on other issues take on a noticeable flavor of waffle. The Country Club Soul Food repasts he promises are at best the worst of both worlds, and warmed over to boot.

Rating: 1 Fork -compared to the rest of the troglodyte herd Steele is a prime specimen, but he is still only the most marginally mobile of a dismaying roundup of Mad Cow downer bulls.

Recipe suggestion: Cooked Economy Brittle; Collard Greenbacks; Choice Waffles; Limbaugh Cheese fondue;
Bubble & Squeak

Course Advice: As an appetizer he hasn't sat well with crackers;  falls apart too easily for use in soup; at best a regional specialty for an imaginary region; as a dessert he's more watery meringue than chocolate cream.

Substitutions: The knife-fight to replace him is still in progress; we're hoping for a protracted battle with plenty of casualties.

Beverage suggestions: Non-alcoholic cognac; Yoo-Hoo; Perrier Malt Liquor; Cold Sitting Duck

Warnings: As unpalatable as Steele may seem, rest assured that his replacement will make him look like the greatest thing since sliced bread.